1. |
no songs today
00:58
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i'm not writing any songs today
my heart it feels like a poison lake
and it hurts so damn much
it takes all my energy
so i'm not writing any songs today
i'm not writing any songs tonight
my head feels like it's in a bench vice
and i slept my way
through all the best sunlight
so i'm not writing any songs tonight
i'm not writing more because of you
it was hard enough to do before you came through
you said how much i hurt you by just being there
and if you couldn't get it, then i must not care
it hurts so damn much, i don't know what to do
guess i'm not writing more because of you
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2. |
the cell phone song
02:33
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check your phone, see if they texted
send a message saying you're headed out
take a selfie and send it to them
blow them a kiss, say you're driving now
check your phone when you park your car
tell them you made it ok
wait for the buzz in your pocket when they say
they're happy your drive was safe
you set your clock by the time
that they say they're ready for bed
call them before they fall asleep
tell each other "i love you" before the day ends
wake up and text them you're up
"what are your plans for the day?"
make plans for the next visit
try not to wish the time in between away
such a beautiful life
cell phones glow in the light of the moon
"i'll see you in every tomorrow"
that's what you told me and i told you
i miss you so much
but what you did still hurts too much
no amount of messages or missed calls
can undo the damage you've done
still i, still i catch myself
checking to see if you texted or called
before i realize
you're not coming back at all
such a beautiful lie
cell phones glow in the light of the moon
"i'll see you in every tomorrow"
that's what you told me and i told you
every night
every night
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3. |
dissociation sleep
01:24
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i have nothing left
nothing left to give
i don't want revenge
i just want to live
she welcomes me with open arms
and chokes the air out of my lungs
cuts my tongue out carefully
and knocks me into a deep sleep
chloroform clouds in a broken sky
worlds reflected in her eyes
always two tides out of reach
as my lungs collapse i find dissociation
sleep
sleep
sleep
sleep
angels choose to lie
so how am i to pray?
i don't play pretend
or wish it all away
if i could stay awake long enough
to tell you that it's all too much
i've spent my energy trying to speak
i'm dead, i'm fine, i just need some...
chloroform clouds in a broken sky
worlds reflected in her eyes
always two tides out of reach
as my lungs collapse i find dissociation
sleep
sleep
sleep
sleep
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4. |
the castle song
02:53
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salt water drips down a vinegar throne
erodes the foundation until it's gone
the castle crumbles and the jester's dead
the king and queen made out like bandits
poisoned soil and blackened skies
you serve the kingdom their demise with a smile
play the lute while the fields all burn
stomach acids start to turn
you duck the consequence
you burn the evidence
keep your crowns with their bloody bloody accents
do you even know your kingdom's name
are you calculating who you can blame?
you're not a leader but you lead me on
eat us alive and then move on
you tweet your highs and you blame your lows
take all you want and then say "it can't be so"
steal like a thief in the dead of night
you got away with it in broad daylight
you duck the consequence
you burn the evidence
keep your crowns with their bloody bloody accents
last verse,
i almost wish i understood how you think
blaming me for all of the problems you bring
crucify me like a sinner in pain
so you can make yourself out to be the saint
have your knights fight to death on the green
tell them you only love the winner of the game
quench the grass with their hopeless blood
while you tell yourself that your rule is good
you duck the consequence
you burn the evidence
keep your crowns with their bloody bloody accents
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5. |
last exit in new jersey
02:47
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last drive is the last time
last drive to the last night
summer skies, look how time flies
i remember when we met outside
that building down the street over there
and we got coffee there when we were scared
and that's the diner we would go to late
laughing too loud, what were they gonna say?
and that's the shop where you used to work shifts
and that's the building where your friend lives
and that's where we walked, and that's where we kissed
and told each other how much we'd miss,
the other one when we had to go
sometimes we'd even drive home on the phone
this whole town used to feel like home
now i'm dropping your stuff off before i go
i am crying, i am hurting
sliding in and out of feeling
numbness and pain, watching it rain
this is the last time I'll take this highway
back from your house, back from your arms
still haven't processed that it's all gone
what we had, what we built together
i guess you really can't predict the weather
i see the signs when i look back
but i see signs that are wrong every day
so pardon my confusion when I asked,
why it you're walking away
and you said,
"we have no future,he does it better,
i like being with him more"
were you angry? were you sad?
was i not enough? were you bored?
i meant what i said when i said that i'd stay
and i wanted my whole like to be that way
now i don't know what to do
cause all i'm thinking about is you
and holding hands while we did the dumbest things
and how much i like to hear you sing
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6. |
silver stitches
02:41
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maybe tonight's not the night i write songs
maybe it's the night i sit and watch the past go up in flames
maybe i cry, maybe i worry, maybe i talk, maybe i don't
maybe i don't know what to say
cause tonight, every breath i take is a eulogy for our past lives
soul transfusion through the ritual of breathe in, breathe out
the night sky as my witness, the moon hidden from view,
observations start to set in
like how there is power in the fact that you're not here
my sweet, we were two lions ruling the Savannah
sharing our hunts, sharing our feasts
protecting each other during lightning storms
why did you cast me out when i shaved my mane?
you have given me the silver lining i never wanted
i thought the cloud itself was golden
clearly my eyes were not adjusted to the light
shining on your vision of the future
where you sit alone beneath the desert sun
under this acid rain of emptiness
i can't help but wonder if the scar on my heart is big enough to stop it
or at least keep me wondering
when the next person to hold it will start lying like you did
if i will ever fall asleep in the arms of someone again
if i will every weave a tapestry of a life together with them
except this time, they match my every stitch with the same sincerity i have
and we piece a life together and stay
it seems fucking impossible
under an empty sky
under a bright moon reflecting a burning sun
am i capable of loving someone like that?
are you platinum-plated evidence that all the self-doubts i ever had are true?
you know
i always worried that was the truth lurking around every corner
that you were waiting to be carried into the arms of someone
who could make me look like the opening act
those fears never slept
and now they have a new set of razor-sharp teeth
ready to separate skin from bone
ready to tell me "the voice in your head was right the whole time"
how am i not supposed to blame myself?
a decade is up in flames now
and my name is on the smoke in the air
i don't know what happens next
all i can promise is that i'll keep breathing
no thanks to you
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7. |
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i might cry
i might lose some sleep
i might tell my friends
that no one could ever love me
i might spend my nights
thinking i'll never love again
but i won't beg
i might be sad
i might sleep too late
i might hate my life
i might curse my fate
and wonder what is left
in the wreckage of my life
but i won't lie
it's amazing all the clear things i can see
when my life is drowning in misery
but whatever i will do
will be worse if i don't tell the truth
then i'd be like you
that's something i can't do
i might be scared
i might not smile
i might pity myself
i might be single for a while
but when all is said and done
i'll say i always told the truth
something you can't do
i will be thankful
to whatever is in the sky
that i got people on this earth
that care if i live or die
and i will spend my time
letting them know i feel the same
and i'll make my way
it's amazing all the clear things i can see
when my life is drowning in misery
but whatever i will do
will be worse if i don't tell the truth
then i'd be like you
that's something i can't do
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8. |
want
03:18
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i want to love
i want to hold you in my arms for a while
i want to find every single spot that
you want to be kissed that'll make you smile
i want to make you laugh
it's like heaven to hear you lose yourself
in whatever you think is funny
in the stupid stories i tell
see i just got hurt in a way that i didn't
know could hurt so much
i'm in a million pieces but i still remember
how much i want to love
i want to find someone to shelter from the rain
i want to find someone who i can hold every single night
and guide away from the demons of our past
into the light of our future together
i want that
all i want is someone who loves me back
see i just got hurt in a way that i didn't
know could hurt so much
i'm in a million pieces but i still remember
how much i want to love
i want to find someone to shelter from the rain
i want to find someone who i can hold every single night
and guide away from the demons of our past
into the light of our future together
i want that
all i want is someone who loves me back
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tara just tara New Jersey
never punk enough for your dad.
sounds from a new jersey trans woman.
glad you're here.
she/her
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